What hurts the most?

This weekend I had a really good conversation with some new friends. After a few equations solved here and there, we put our books away and just got to talking. Someone brought up losing someone and never being able to see them again after having breaking up and stuff. Mark was saying that for him, the hardest thing, what hurt the most for him was breaking up with his girlfriend and never having the chance to see her again. It hurt him not to know how she was doing and whether or not they could still be friends or even still be together. Mark’s ex-girlfriend is now in the US. 

Janine said that what hurt the most for her is seeing the person she loved with somebody else. Jose said that the feeling that the person you love has moved on and you haven’t is what hurt the most. It’s like they were able to forget about you and yet you can’t sleep without having dreams about them. 

Those are all quite true. Everything they said was true. It all hurts. But for me, what hurts the most, is having the chance of something great, screwing that up, and everyday having to be reminded that what you used to have together will never be again. Having to see that person that you love everyday, having to talk to them everyday, and knowing that their feelings are no longer there. They’ve moved on and everyday you’re reminded of that. You try to let go and yet because they are there, not knowing how much pain they cause you just by their utter presence, you can’t. 

You struggle to find the means to move on. Look away and try to involve yourself with other things. They think you’ve moved on too. They’re wrong of course. 

That’s what hurts the most. Being with the person you love almost every day and not being able to say how you feel, not being able to express how you feel for fear of how they would react. They are part of your everyday, yet they are not part of you. You stay friends and not more than that. Everytime they flash that smile towards you, you don’t know how to react. They ask for a favor, you do all that you can to please them. You try to impress them, in hopes that they’ll notice. But in reality, you lost your window of opportunity. It’s come and gone. It was a once in a lifetime deal and you screwed it up. And everyday, the forces that work around you throw it at your face.

Whoever it may be that works the forces of love must be vindictive.  They aim to either please you or to hurt you. So to whoever is controlling the lines of love, let me tell you this. You’ve succeeded. You’ve succeeded in making me love like I have never before and now you are succeeding in making me hurt like I’ve never have.

This is more painful than a knife through the chest. This is a constant pain, a needle that slowly but surely is piercing through my lonely heart. It carves a niche and never lets go. It’s torture. 

I hope one day, I too can move on like you have. I wish I too can feel nothing when I see you. I wish that the thought of you doesn’t bring back memories so diffcult to let go. 

-JP