Better

Sometimes, I have this feeling that I can achieve so much more. And well, today it occured to me that I can. I have never had troubles getting exactly whatever it is I wanted. For some odd reason, everything came oh so easily for me. Luck seems to find it’s way whenever I needed it the most. People always talk about tragedies that have happened in their lives. They talk of the struggles of growing up, the struggles of fitting in, the struggles of finding work, the struggles of paying for school, paying for this and that. It’s just now that I realized that I have it extremely lucky. I am one of those people who complain about stupid things and then realize later on how petty it really was. I mean, it’s true, I admit it. I am a whiner. I whine all the time about the most random, insignifcant thing that pops into my head. Perhaps it annoys people. It would annoy me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, as of this moment, I have not proven anything to myself or the world. While others have risen from poverty, others have faced discrimination, friends have talked of sorrows of their lost loved ones, and families that have been torn apart. From left to right, I am surrounded by people who have proven time and time again that they can persevere through the hardships that they may face. I haven’t faced any hardships, none that are note-worthy, anyway.

I’m not saying I haven’t achieved a lot. I think I’ve achieved plenty for a young age of 22, but I just don’t feel as though I have proven I can stand up there with those that have had obstacles along the way. Throughout my school years, I never had any struggles academically or when it came to friends. I always had top marks, went on to take the IB program. That was a struggle, yes, probably my most difficult times academically, but I saw it through. When I look back at it though, all I can think of was that it was just high school.

Friends came and they went. I had a number of them and so I didn’t mind. I never really had someone who left me and thought, wow, that’s devastating. I understood that people change as time goes by. And in turn, everytime I lost touch with someone, I gained two more. I never had the awkward phase that many people claim they had in school. That stage where they felt as though they were a loner, or unpopular.

With my family life, I’m blessed. I have two loving parents both dedicated in making sure that their kids’ futures are set. I have a brother who is forgiving, two sisters who keep me grounded despite it all. They’re all supportive of the decisions I make and are there to tell me off when they know that I’ve done something wrong. I couldn’t ask for more from them. They have given me everything, their patience, their love, their care, and their unending support for the choices, although unpopular, that I have made within these past few years.

My mother was willing to let me live in a foreign country, well, foreign to me anyway, and spend the first two years of my twenties away from them. My father has bought my tickets to and from Calgary each time I decide I want to travel and leave. They are always there financially when I need it. Sometimes, I don’t need it, I just want it. Heck, I lie, most of the time I don’t need it and yet they still provide for me financially. I need to stop.

Some people paid for their own education. I got through because of scholarships and parents’ money. Some people pay for their own housing, throughout university, my parents paid for my dorm, my meals, my books, my tuition and my allowance. Now, I live at the family home in the Philippines and my parents had paid for the electricity, the water, the food, the phone bills, the internet and all that good stuff. Although, to my credit, lately, I have been paying for most of my own things.

I am not like others who have had to save money to get by. I’ve always been the type to have it when I need it. And people have told me that I’m fiscally irresponsible. I agree with them 100%.

My health has been impeccable. I’ve never even had a broken bone before. I have no disabilities, or abnormalities that deter me from doing things that I want and need to do. I can up and do whatever I want when I want.

There is no despair in me. Maybe that’s why people see me as cold-hearted sometimes. I just don’t understand where they’re coming from and why they feel the certain way that they do. Sometimes when people tell their stories of dismay and troubles, I tend to hush up because I don’t know the right way to react. I also admit that sometimes it’s not a matter of “I don’t understand” but rather of “I don’t care”. I know that seems harsh, but I’m just giving you the harsh truth.

Perhaps after I’ve gone through something that will really change my life, something that will really alter the face of my reality. Perhaps that will be the time that I can feel what others feel. Maybe that’s when I will appreciate the value of friendship and comraderie. It may even be the time that I appreciate the value of money.

Although I don’t wish myself any hardship, though I’m sure no one lives without it, I just hope that one day I too can confident in saying that I have surpassed an extremely difficult obstacle in my life. I want to be able to tell people that I’m not just good, but rather, I’m BETTER.

Frustrated Once More

It’s frustrating when you can’t tell people how you really feel, when you can’t express that voice inside that’s dying to tell the whole world the secret it’s being forced to keep. Sometimes, there’s nothing anyone can do but stare into the sky, longing. We long for those days when it’s out in the open and you don’t care what that someone thinks, or what they will do when they find out. It seems like such a fantasyland though, and really all you can do is dream. We dream of that place where everything is alright. The place where both of you are happy and it doesn’t matter what everyone else is thinking about or what others want to say about it.

I used to be there. I want to go back to that place. I miss it.

People say that “bad publicity is better than no publicity at all”, I used to think that too. But I’m at that point that I’ve had enough of it. I want to be able to go up to someone and have a great conversation without people thinking that I was dating them. I want to be able to go to the mall with a friend without someone thinking that we met up with intentions of doing other things than strolling in the mall.

I want to be able to go up to the person I like and tell them how much I love it when we argue, and how much it pleases me so when we make up. It envigorates me when I see that person smile from far away. I love being able to snarl at that person and yet deep inside they know that I like them all the more.

That’s the place I’d like to be. But, alas, here I am frustrated that I am extremely far from that place. I feel like I’m a labrat, under a microscope where everyone is watching my every move, hoping that I would make a mistake or do something worthy of spreading to others who are just so willing to gobble it all up.

But, as I always think to myself at the end of every day. If you want it, go for it. Don’t hold back. And I always reply to my thoughts, “Easier said than done.”

-JP